secure.

I've been feeling really insecure about my future recently. One of those random identity crisis moments that most students have as they're nearing the end of their uni life. I guess I've been having these crises most of my college career though so perhaps I'm somewhat of an exception. Lucky me!

Well since I've been here in Australia, God's been revealing so much to me, and has been so very real. I'm understanding more about what it means to possess the very Spirit of God, which allows me to worship God Himself... I'm beginning to understand the great importance of surrendering my self, my spirit to God so that I may be filled with Him. If my inner self is not fully alive, then I am not fully alive.

So my life has more dimensions to it than I ever realized before. Well, in fact, life itself has so much more depth to it than I ever realized before.

And I've been feeling full of a deeper reality, a more true life. I'm so so eager to be closer to God.

Then it's time for class. Cool, yeah, I love my courses right now and I'm giving them my full attention n such. But then I think about my future, and suddenly I just feel dumbstruck. I don't see it. Where'd it go? I'm feeling so secure right now, but when it comes to a year from now, all of a sudden I just feel like a lost child. And the past few days I've just been wanting to cry, and I've just been wanting to know, to feel secure in where I am going.

But God keeps telling me (quietly, but loud enough)... chill out. Be here now. This is where I've got you and this is what is important.

And I just realized a few minutes ago that the reason why I have been freaking out a bit more than usual recently is because I'm seeing how my life is turning out to be heaps different than I expected it to be. I expected that I would just finish off my exercise science degree, easy as pie, then begin PT school the following semester, then probably get married sometime soon after that, then go live in Africa for a bit, adopt some children, pick up some stray dogs, and rescue the world, blah blah blah. Oh yeah and God will be with me through it all.

Well. Obviously life's not goin quite as planned. And it won't. And somehow that surprises me?

God will not simply just join me on my pretty little plan that I've handed to him on a pretty little piece of paper (which I probably doodled nice little drawings on, just to give Him the clearest and cleverest picture possible).

No. When I fell on my knees and said to Him, "I accept your Son's sacrifice. My life is Yours." and in return He graciously gave me His Holy Spirit to dwell within me... everything about my life changed, and suddenly my life was no longer about my life anymore. I am joining God. I am asking Him to make me a part of His Plan and Purpose.

So that's what He's doing, and it's screwing up my plans, and it's annoying me and confusing me. But He's doing it on purpose. To say to me that He's the one in control, and He'll take me where He wants me and I really won't expect it.

So who knows... maybe I will become a PT, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll live in Africa, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be passing out cupcakes on street corners. Maybe I'll be healing amputees in Japan. Maybe I'll be a mom. Maybe maybe maybe maybe. And it doesn't matter, because I don't need to know.

I just need to be present RIGHT NOW. Listening to where He is leading me now. The most important part of my life is submitting to God, listening to the Spirit, and allowing my spirit to grow and know the mystery of God Himself. As long as I keep listening, He will keep speaking, and I will be exactly where I need to be, when I need to be. No worries.

girly?

sometimes i doubt that i'm girly, because well, i guess i'm just really natural and non-makeupy and I don't love pink and I like to sweat and I just want to be outside and malls make me feel claustrophobic and jewelry feels heavy sometimes and I love muscles and I, yeah, just don't feel necessarily "girly" all that often.

However: I am, in fact, "girly" I've realized.

I painted my nails today and didn't want to do the dishes because I didn't want to mess up my nails.

I liked my hair today so I didn't want to go work out and have to shower and mess it all up.

I've eaten chocolate (dark, preferably) every day for as far back as my memory serves true.

I thoroughly enjoy being in the kitchen, cooking.

My perfume/scent generally smells like either flowers or vanilla-esqe. I feel incomplete if I don't smell nice. It's for my own pleasure, really.

Sometimes I curl my letters extra while writing just to give them that swell little twist that makes me happy and makes my words prettier.


So yeah, those are a few of the ways that I've realized that I'm girly today.