anti-shame

I feel antsy and crazy all over. My insides are vibrating and my brain is a mush of lightening bolts and thick pudding.

I'm afraid of having feelings that matter, of having convictions, of having a vision-- because what if I'm all wrong?

This is the cry of my heart:

"To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
O my God, in you I trust;
let me not be put to shame...
Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame."
Psalm 25

I've got a lot ahead of me right now. In fact, it feels like the options for my future are innumerable and the answer to the question of "God, is this one the right choice?" is a big YES to all of the above. Which is rather annoying, to be quite honest. I want a yes or a no. But the beauty of following the Lord, is that as long as my eyes are set upon Him alone, all things shall be used to glorify Himself, no matter the choice.

So then I must keep my "eye" healthy, as Luke 11:33 says. If I am spiritually healthy, living a life of integrity, of true God-Glorification, then I shall be full of light. Nothing in the dark.

But for some reason that really doesn't make me feel any better.

I love the Lord, my God. Oh, so much I do. But a part of me still feels very unsettled indeed. I'm praying for peace. That I could find peace and contentment in His Love alone, and in living a life that would make His Name known and glorified above all else. Please may that be true. I do not want to be put to shame for living a life for You, Lord. I shall wait for you, I shall walk with you, I shall be still and know that: you. are. my God. the Holy One.

Glory Ought to Be

There is one single and consistent theme that I have been meditating on recently:

Don't ever, ever attempt to take the Glory away from God.

I use the word, "attempt", because that is all it shall ever be.

I can selfishly blaze paths through His forest and away from His path for me-- but it simply will not get me to the top of the mountain quicker. It's almost as if a part of me tries to take those shortcuts of rebellion so that I can get to the top and say,

"See, aren't I exactly what You wanted? I went beyond what You thought possible, and I am Your prized possession."

Interestingly, though, today I stumbled upon Psalm 24 (I'm reading a psalm a day, you should try it!), and it says:

"Who shall ascend the hill of the Lord? And who shall stand in His holy place?

He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to what is false

and does not swear deceitfully."

Oh, um, okay. Well I guess that isn't me, is it? That would require me to be perfect.

Which I'm obviously far from. And yet I attempt to ascend His hill and take His holy place.

Now, I honestly don't consciously think about ascending God's hill to take His glory... I don't think that many people do. But our thoughts and our actions surely convey that exact message. When I go through a day, void a prayer and void of any thoughts to God, then I am taking the Glory for my day. When I begin to think of all of the awesome things ahead of me in my future, I get so excited because I can see how I will be a light and living in the light and yada yada... but it all basically comes down to me looking awesome.

I am a selfish, self-glorifying being and I need some major Help.

It's not bad to expect great things though. I believe that God wants the best for us, just not in the way that I (we, Church collective) often assume.

In Romans 8, Paul tells us,

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose."

and then later says,

"If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?"

True, and true.

But at some point, after following hard after Him, my desires should transform into His desires for me. That I would want to glorify Him, that I would want to serve Him, that I would obey His still, small voice that is actively directing my path towards righteousness.

The weight of Glory is too heavy for me to bear because I was not intended to hold it. No. The Glory is God's alone... it was His and it shall remain His.

I am merely human right now.