secure.

I've been feeling really insecure about my future recently. One of those random identity crisis moments that most students have as they're nearing the end of their uni life. I guess I've been having these crises most of my college career though so perhaps I'm somewhat of an exception. Lucky me!

Well since I've been here in Australia, God's been revealing so much to me, and has been so very real. I'm understanding more about what it means to possess the very Spirit of God, which allows me to worship God Himself... I'm beginning to understand the great importance of surrendering my self, my spirit to God so that I may be filled with Him. If my inner self is not fully alive, then I am not fully alive.

So my life has more dimensions to it than I ever realized before. Well, in fact, life itself has so much more depth to it than I ever realized before.

And I've been feeling full of a deeper reality, a more true life. I'm so so eager to be closer to God.

Then it's time for class. Cool, yeah, I love my courses right now and I'm giving them my full attention n such. But then I think about my future, and suddenly I just feel dumbstruck. I don't see it. Where'd it go? I'm feeling so secure right now, but when it comes to a year from now, all of a sudden I just feel like a lost child. And the past few days I've just been wanting to cry, and I've just been wanting to know, to feel secure in where I am going.

But God keeps telling me (quietly, but loud enough)... chill out. Be here now. This is where I've got you and this is what is important.

And I just realized a few minutes ago that the reason why I have been freaking out a bit more than usual recently is because I'm seeing how my life is turning out to be heaps different than I expected it to be. I expected that I would just finish off my exercise science degree, easy as pie, then begin PT school the following semester, then probably get married sometime soon after that, then go live in Africa for a bit, adopt some children, pick up some stray dogs, and rescue the world, blah blah blah. Oh yeah and God will be with me through it all.

Well. Obviously life's not goin quite as planned. And it won't. And somehow that surprises me?

God will not simply just join me on my pretty little plan that I've handed to him on a pretty little piece of paper (which I probably doodled nice little drawings on, just to give Him the clearest and cleverest picture possible).

No. When I fell on my knees and said to Him, "I accept your Son's sacrifice. My life is Yours." and in return He graciously gave me His Holy Spirit to dwell within me... everything about my life changed, and suddenly my life was no longer about my life anymore. I am joining God. I am asking Him to make me a part of His Plan and Purpose.

So that's what He's doing, and it's screwing up my plans, and it's annoying me and confusing me. But He's doing it on purpose. To say to me that He's the one in control, and He'll take me where He wants me and I really won't expect it.

So who knows... maybe I will become a PT, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll live in Africa, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll be passing out cupcakes on street corners. Maybe I'll be healing amputees in Japan. Maybe I'll be a mom. Maybe maybe maybe maybe. And it doesn't matter, because I don't need to know.

I just need to be present RIGHT NOW. Listening to where He is leading me now. The most important part of my life is submitting to God, listening to the Spirit, and allowing my spirit to grow and know the mystery of God Himself. As long as I keep listening, He will keep speaking, and I will be exactly where I need to be, when I need to be. No worries.

girly?

sometimes i doubt that i'm girly, because well, i guess i'm just really natural and non-makeupy and I don't love pink and I like to sweat and I just want to be outside and malls make me feel claustrophobic and jewelry feels heavy sometimes and I love muscles and I, yeah, just don't feel necessarily "girly" all that often.

However: I am, in fact, "girly" I've realized.

I painted my nails today and didn't want to do the dishes because I didn't want to mess up my nails.

I liked my hair today so I didn't want to go work out and have to shower and mess it all up.

I've eaten chocolate (dark, preferably) every day for as far back as my memory serves true.

I thoroughly enjoy being in the kitchen, cooking.

My perfume/scent generally smells like either flowers or vanilla-esqe. I feel incomplete if I don't smell nice. It's for my own pleasure, really.

Sometimes I curl my letters extra while writing just to give them that swell little twist that makes me happy and makes my words prettier.


So yeah, those are a few of the ways that I've realized that I'm girly today.

eager and in love

I've been so eager to hear God's Words to me, to our generation as a whole. It's so so beautiful to hear his voice! I've been learning heaps recently, so today I took a day to simply breathe and be.

One little nugget of fun wisdom first though... If you're ever having trouble finding peace and quiet in your mind's space, I urge you to just sit and look at a tree. I know what you're thinking. I'm such a hippie. Okay, only a little bit; just hear me out. Keep looking at the tree until you actually notice it swaying, watch every leaf, then look around you and notice how in actuality, all of the trees are moving. We kinda just assume that trees are mostly very still and stoic, but let me tell you, they are movers! Anyways, maybe it won't help you, but it helped me. My thoughts vanished and I could breathe in peace again.

And then God spoke! through this scripture that was in John Piper's book, "Think":

"Behold, I will pour out my spirit to you;
I will make my words known to you" proverbs 1:23

and...

"If you receive my words... inclining your heart to understanding, calling out for insight, raising your voice for understanding, seeking it like silver,
then you will understand the fear of the Lord
and find the knowledge of God" proverbs 2:1-5

wow!

how crazy is that?? if we ask him to know things, he will tell us. hmm.

the mystery of the Gospel has been revealed, yet sometimes we try to act all ignorant; as if Jesus never came to live on earth at all, connecting us to God forever (if we choose to walk on the bridge). It's quite a journey, but it's absolutely magnificent.

I'm learning more about what and who God loves, what He hates, the way He works/speaks/acts.


If I were to boil it down, I'd say that I'm falling in love.
Truly, truly.
Just like the School House Rocks used to say... "Knowledge is Power!!"
and in this case, the power is Love itself.

The more I learn, the more I love, the more I ask, the more I hear, the more He leads me, the more I want to follow...


Anyways, I wrote this today, as I sat with Jesus today. I didn't think at all, just wrote. Here goes:

I seek You;
Therefore I discover.
Hope is not a lost cause,
Nor is it a lie.

True You are,
True You remain,
My Beloved King.

And angels sing!
All proclaim!
Great, good, mighty
To thee
Be the Glory
The One True Glory.

Fruit of Your tree,
Too sweet to eat;
My mouth craves its juices;
Alas, I am too unclean
My fingers have
Only brushed it.

Purify my limbs, fingers, soul;
I ache to be near You,
Ache to know
You,
God.

To taste Your fruit
For all its goodness.

I shall remain
In You
For You
Not against You
(How could I ever oppose
All that is right?
The One True Thing?)

Here I am,
Unworthy, servant girl.
May I kiss Your throne?
Touch Your sandal?

Yet You lift me up now,
Look me in the eye
and say,

"Marry me".

move dance move

Today: I really miss dancing.


Oh I do hope that I get the chance to move like that again.
I just want to move. And stretch. And swirve. And tumble. And be free.

When I run and bike and climb and yoga and swim and such, it's nice and I feel pretty good afterwards, like my body got a breather. But after I dance... well, after I dance I feel exhilerated, pushed past the limits that I thought I had, muscles exhausted because I used nearly every one, and I am genuinely happy. Joyful, even if I didn't look as good as everyone else and wasn't as stretchy as them either. But at least I am joyful.

I miss dancing.

Honest Answers

I wrote this post for http://www.exoworship.com but decided to post it here as well, because, well, why not?

--------------------------------

It frightens me and excites me to say what I have to say… But it's time to get real.

I've been having this overwhelming sense lately that the Day of Jesus' coming is approaching soon... sooner than we'd "expect" it to be, if that's even possible. The thing is, is that although many Christians recognize, and say with their mouths, that Jesus will one day come to ultimately separate the "sheep from the wolves", I think that we still fail to actually expect the coming. I don't know how things are right now over in America, but on this side of the world (Australia), there's been quite a stir in regards to the spiritual world, and what' on the verge of happening. And I feel it as well... my heart feels anxious, and I feel like there is a sense of urgency in everything that I do.

The past few weeks, God has been dramatically re-shaping my whole self. My spirit is brighter than ever before, and I am more eager than ever to learn more from Jesus. And MAN has He been teaching me! I feel like everyday I am shocked with the Scripture I read. I've read it before, but now it sounds different, as if someOne is whispering the secret part of it that had never been told to me before.

So, I just want to pose a question out there:
Do you believe that God is great?

God believes that He's great. Nature believes that God is great. Babies believe that God is great. Your best friend or your mom may believe that God is great.

But search your heart and ask the question again:
Do you really believe all of this hub-bub about God being great?

Sit, and listen.

Write down what you are genuinely hearing your heart say in reply to that question. Even if it isn't what your friends or your parents or your pastor would want to hear. It's time to be honest.

The reason that this question is so important to ask ourselves, is because it is absolutely essential to the salvation of our souls that we really believe that God is great:

"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord' will enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in Heaven." Matthew 7:21


Which then poses the question: What is the will of the Father??

“You shall love the Lord God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might… It is the Lord your God you shall fear. Him you shall serve and by His Name you shall swear… And it will be righteousness for us, if we are careful to do all this commandment before the Lord our God, as He has commanded us.”

Deuteronomy 7:5, 13, 25

And remember, God’s not fooled by our acts of praying like a Good Christian, being modest like a Good Christian, abstaining from sex, drugs, drunkenness, what have you… (although those are all very wise things to do if you are not doing them already!)

It is all in vain if it is not done with the sole purpose of serving Jesus Christ, of glorifying God Himself.

In Hebrews 4:12, it talks about how the word of God will “divide soul and spirit, discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart”, which means that he sees what is fleshly and what is spirit-filled in our natures. He knows whether or not what we’re doing is for our good or His.

And as far as our righteousness goes (the root of our actual salvation), God simply will not recognize us if we do not often come to His throne to say, “You are, in fact, Great, my God”.

It's like that awkward moment when we wave at someone across the room, who we've met once before but we're not entirely sure if they remember us, but we certainly remembered them. And they kinda just stare, look around them thinking, "Wait, me? Is she waving at me or... maybe him. Hm, I dunno maybe I've seen her before" (squinting a bit now to see you), "ohhh, yeah... I think I do remember meeting her once, but I can't remember where from" (does a little half-wave now back at you). And then we feel silly from waving at all. Because how could I assume that he would remember who I was? You've only met the bloke once. Ohhh this is awkward.

So please, please search your hearts.

Be completely honest.

I had to do it as well. Upon coming out to Australia, I suddenly felt uncomfortable with the fact that I was so comfortable without Jesus. So I searched my heart, and I realized that I finally just had to say the most hurtful words to Jesus, to admit that I was feeling okay without Him, even though I knew that was wrong. And then I repented for it, genuinely desiring to live life with Him. And ya know what? He didn’t shun me. In fact, He over and beyond in teaching me about Himself through new friends, through my church here, through the Word, heck even through some of my classes. It’s been lovely, and I am so thankful. I just pray that more would be awakened from their slumber as well, because oh, it is so good. God is so great.

So now I leave you all with this prayer over you:

“May the God of peace sanctify you completely and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless…”

1 Thess 5:23

grrr

I feel sick with frustration.

Why does this happen? Why do we go through such extreme shifts of mood?
Is it just me? Am I half crazy?

I'm falling more in love with Jesus every day,
but then I look in the mirror and I just want to turn away quick before I see all of the imperfections covering me.

It's stupid, really. I mean, I've done this before. I've experienced Satan's attacks like this before.
So I'm not ignorant. I know what it all means. I know that as I draw closer to the Lord, Satan draws closer to punch me where I'm weak. I hear lies whispered in my head, almost audible, they are so clear.

"You're getting a bit more padded around the middle, you're only pretty with make-up on, if anyone gets close enough to you they will be disappointed, you'll never be quite good enough for the guy you've held out for, you'll never be quite good enough for the life you've worked hard for" ... this that and the other. Blah blah blah.

It's all so stupid.

I've been receiving some amazing prayer over my life recently, and the Holy Spirit has been teaching me so much about the Truth recently, so it's no wonder that I'm experiencing so much inner struggle right now. Ah! I just want it all to shut the heck up!

So I'm putting this out as a blog, because I don't want to give Satan power over me.

I'll admit that I feel weak right now, in this instant.
But Jesus is more true, more full of love.

I am a daughter of the King and my Kingdom is not of this world.

"If God is for us, who can be against us?... In all things we are more than conquerers through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:31, 37-39

"For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. Look at what is before your eyes. If anyone is confident that he is Christ's, let him remind himself that just as he is Christ's, so also are we."
2 Corinthians 10: 3,7


Phew!
Amen!

confusing conversation

"Hey, where have you been?"
me: "Oh, just got back from church."
"Yeah? How was that?"
me: "Oh it was so so good!"
"So are you going out tonight?"
me: "Uh, no. Not in the plans."
"Wha? Why not?"
me: "I'm gonna go clean my room and read.. Have a good night."

Is it just me, or does this not make sense?
I will not serve two masters. And I am deeply in love with the One, that the Other is simply far from appealing. And my heart and my life feel much more alive, much more full than they did when I lived in ignorance of the Truth that was so pointedly fixed in front of me all along. I grasp now to the Truth, and I stand in presence of Glory. I am content. I am on an adventure with the Divine. I am living with a Purpose, which is truer and more real than anything else of this present world. Thank God for Mercy. Thank God for God.