Jo and I

Family is such a great and wonderful gift. Family is full of grace and love. Family is honest. Being surrounded by family for a week straight also tends to bring certain things to the surface that one would rather ignore (which is easy to do when you're in college, amidst friends who can't see through you as well as family does).

I've been realizing more and more how bull-headed I am. I am woman, hear me roar.

I have this strange idea that if I do not say things adamantly enough, I shall not be heard; or if I am not one hundred percent confident in my ability to do something, then it shall not happen at all.

God gave me my personality, so it cannot be a bad thing to have these tendencies; however they can become good or bad, depending upon the way by which I carry them and see them through. For instance, if I allow my confidence to turn into pride... bad. But if I use my confidence to accomplish something that is difficult and needful of an extra dose of perseverance... good.

I've been reading Little Women this week, and have found that I relate very well to Jo, who is a supremely spirited fifteen-year-old lass, who has the temper of tea kettle, and the ambition of Christopher Columbus. I wonder at some of the dialogue that she utters, as if they came straight out of my lips without my knowing it:

"I don't like fuss and feathers."

"It seems so long to wait, so hard to do; I want to fly away at once, as those swallows fly, and go in at that splendid gate" (in reference the the Castle in the Air she had imagined)

"I want to do something heroic before I go into my castle, -- something heroic, or wonderful,--that won't be forgotten after I'm dead. I don't know what, but I'm on the watch for it, and mean to astonish you all, some day."

"I've got the key to my castle in the air; but whether I can unlock the door, remains to be seen."

and then about her...

"Jo's ambition was to do something very splendid; what it was she had no idea, but left it for time to tell her."

and then geez, I feel like Mrs. March was speaking to me as her own:

"My child, the troubles and temptations of your life are beginning and may be many; but you can overcome and outlive them all, if you learn to feel the strength and tenderness or your Heavenly Father as you do that of your earthly one. The more you love and trust Him, the nearer you will feel to Him, and the less you depend on human power and wisdom. Believe this heartily, and go to God with all your little cares, andhopes, and sins, and sorrows, as freely and confidently as you come to your mother."

Jo's only answer was to hold her mother close, and, in the silence which followed, the sincerest prayer she had ever prayed left her heart, without words.."

I love this family, and I love Jo. I love feeling like I'm not crazy.

My family says that I have too many aspirations, and that I should pick one already, and just get really good at that one thing.

Well, I've already tried that. I dedicated about fifteen years of my life to dancing and nothing else. And where did that get me? Bored, for one. Defeated. Striving. I could only get so far before the rest was all up for luck and genetics. I would never have longer legs or a slimmer form, and I wouldn't have a chance with the companies I admired unless I slept with the whole company and gave up all morals. So there's that.

So don't tell me that I must commit to one thing, because as far as I've seen, that only leads to months, years, and lifetimes of frustrations, let-downs, and false idols.

I am perfectly content with dabbling my passions in all sorts of pallets. I am well-rounded, and happy about it. I will never be thee best at any one thing, so why fool myself? I would rather just enjoy my life with the freedom of living without unhealthy expectations that lead to my demise.

I've got a lot of ambition, and a lot of dreams, but which wins out in the end is quite impossible to foresee. I'm fine with waiting.

Psalm 87

on the holy mount stand the city that he founded

you created me, you created this

and You. are. glorious. Glorious things are spoken of you.

you look at me and say,

"this one was born in Zion"

for the Most High will establish her.

the Lord records as he registers the peoples,

and he points to some and says,

"this one was born there. this one is mine."

and in reply, in gladness, in reverent Love,

singers and dancers alike say,

"all my springs are in You..."

I shall not strive.

I used to try so hard to be something that I'm not. I wanted to be artsy, I wanted to be buff, I wanted to be a hippie, I wanted to be athletic, I wanted to be a nerd, I wanted to be a dancer, I wanted to be a college kid, I wanted to be a girlfriend, I wanted to be a missionary, I wanted to be a chef... I wanted to be awesome and accepted by everyone because I've been too freakin insecure.

I don't want to be anything anymore.

And I'm gonna keep saying that until it's true.

I just want to be a child of the living God; a servant.

And I'm gonna keep saying that until it's true.

The reason I'm thinking about this is because I just happened upon some old facebook photos of mine and I realize that I look pretty ridiculous in many of them. I'm a bit embarrassed at how much I tried to be cool... and for what? If anything, it just made for a lot of false-foundation friendships, which I surely don't want.

The thing is, is that I have been afraid my whole life that if someone really knew me that they wouldn't like me.

Isn't that a fear that all of us really have?

If you think about it, I'm sure that you would ashamedly agree. It's like we thing that who we are isn't good enough. That God messed up; that he lied when he looked at me said, "she's perfect".

Looking back at those pictures though, I can rejoice because right now, I feel content.

I am glad to be who God made me to be.

I do not have to strive for him or her or that or this.

This is who God made me to be, and I won't make excuses for it.

I would rather lay in front of a crackling fire, drifting asleep in the arms of its warmth and glow, than be loud, laughing, and crazy in a room of things/people I may or may not remember the next day.

I want to abide in Him. I choose to abide in Jesus.

Honestly.

The walls have been broken, expectations have been lifted, and it's just me and You in a lovely room basking in the joy and love that we can give each other.

Everything For the Up

I'm learning a lot about joy through pain right now. About getting myself off the rubber-sole stained court and playing injured, even though it would be easier just to curl up in a ball and cry.

I'm sick of living in my habits and of letting them shape me. I need a new story. My life is in desperate need of a revival.

EVERYTHING is always about God. And I mean absolutely everything.
The Divine Creator didn't put me in school right now just to waste time before getting to the "real deal" that happens when I graduate. My life shouldn't revolve around my future. What if I actually died today and didn't end up becoming the missions physical therapist like I always imagined? Hebrews 11 describes how all of the founding fathers obeyed God through faith, believing the promise that He had a new life in store for them. But then they died. And it says that they all of these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised, since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us they should not be made perfect".

Now that last part still kinda confuses me, but on the whole, it really blows my mind. This is Moses and Abraham and Rahab we're talking about. They were great. And I think that I deserve to receive the promises of God? His Purpose in giving me the desire to pursue missions and physical therapy could be for the sole purpose of pruning me and shaping me into the woman whom he called me to be. I may never actually reach that part of my life though. Heck, I may just become a mom in the suburbs (dear God, no!). But honestly, does it really matter?? Because He has provided something better for us. Because everything is always about Him and our relationship with Him.